We’ve all been there: You desperately need your child to do something yet they refuse. Even the best negotiators and conflict resolution experts can be completely unsuccessful when it comes to convincing kids to do anything from sitting in a stroller to staying still while you strap a car seat to brushing their teeth to… well, pretty much anything. And why does it seem like the more you want them to do something, the less they’ll agree? Welp, we’ve gathered some research-backed advice and rounded up some simple ways to get your kids to cooperate.
Get your child’s attention
Easier said than done, right? Life is filled with distractions for kids, from toys to screens to siblings. Before asking your child to do something, be sure they’re focusing on you. Make eye contact, give them a little heads up (“It’s almost time to leave”) then pause before providing directions: “Let’s get your shoes on and head to the car.” This strategy will help with kids of all ages, too.
Be a little silly
Kids are more likely to pay attention and cooperate if you add some fun. Whether it’s singing, pretending to be a funny character, making up a funny story, or using a ridiculous voice to provide instructions on what they need to do, you’ll reign in their focus and encourage them to play along and cooperate. Seriously, who can ignore questions or comments when delivered in an Elmo voice? But you might want to skip anything too witty: Research shows that most children don’t comprehend sarcasm until around age 10.
Skip the questions
Most kids are too young to detect subtle social cues when directions are asked and not told. “Why don’t we wash our hands?” is much less clear than “Wash your hands, please.” When you get to the point quicker, you’re more likely to see kids respond faster, too.
Stick to simple vocab
Just like it’s not always easy to decipher technical terms that a doctor, mechanic or lawyer might use, kids need to hear language they understand. Use words they use for best results and understand that less is more: Lengthy explanations about why they should do something won’t be as effective as simple, straight-forward directions.
Practice patience
Do you like to being told to hurry up? Doubtful… and kids feel the same way. Avoid rushing your child by giving them some extra time to respond to directions. And sometimes the best course is to take it slow. Ease them into the task, especially ones that are less pleasant. Brushing a massive knot out of hair, for example, can be completed in phases.
Give your child choices
If possible, let your child feel some sense of control. If there’s a task that can be completed in a few different ways, give them an option: Do you want to climb into the carseat or should I lift you up? The key, of course, is that the end result for either choice is the same.
Explain the why
As kids get older, it’s a good idea to leverage logic in your asks. Telling your child to put on a bike helmet will be more effective if you couple it with your reasoning: It will prevent injuries that could be serious. If they push back, you can also engage them in their perspective. “Why don’t you want to do this?” Listen to their side, and validate their feelings: “I know you don’t like to wear sunscreen, but it helps prevent very painful sunburns that can cause long-term skin damage.” If the task is less critical (say, doing their math flashcards), you can compromise and have them agree to do them at a later time, particularly if they have a good reason for wanting to push it off.
Praise cooperation
Be sure to notice and point out moments when your kids crush the cooperation goal: “I loved how you immediately picked up your toys when I asked today.” Everyone loves a nice compliment and it’s bound to lead to more cooperation down the line. (Ah, the power of positive reinforcement.)
Find an ally
Sitters and nannies are often absolutely amazing at encouraging kids to complete tasks. Research has shown that babies actually learn how to help through everyday interactions with their caregivers. If there’s a task your child struggles to complete with you (such as eating their broccoli, drinking their milk, or hanging up their coat), ask your sitter or nanny to help support you. Recurring reinforcement by trusting adults will not only give your child consistent directions on what to do, but it will elicit cooperation throughout the day, so everyone wins.
